Tour of my balls

January 22, 2007 – 7:34 pm

Shit, I didn’t know he called you. Dude, it was out of control. I literally laughed myself to sleep. I could not stop laughing.

So, yes, I went on the tour…where do I start.

No actual Bukowski information was revealed.
It is a promotional campaign for “Mike the PoeT” who is a third generation Los Angelino who I gave a 98%, A+ in the being completely full of shit department. Although his “being cool racially” is quite apparent, it was obvious at least to me that this white rapper collects black friends like I collect inseminated socks, although I don’t know if Mike the PoseuR would be down for the cause if it came between his well dressed afro-ornaments and his daddy’s trust fund check that permits this fuck to “create”.

Tears ran down my face as it seemed I was the only one noticing how we were driving past multiple noteworthy landmarks, such as Clifton’s Cafeteria described in great detail by Kerouac in On the Road during his short fling with a petit Mexican girl named Terry. They spent most of their days together in the bowels of downtown mentioning South Main, Central and of course Broadway where Clifton’s is located. Bukowski also talks about Clifton’s and Philippe’s, The Pantry, etc. None of which was included on this tour. Then, to pour salt on the wounds, we drive right past Craby Joe’s bar, most definitely a place Bukowski would hit while he spent time on Skid Row and also featured at the beginning of Barfly.

Shit, now I don’t know what to do. Our first stop if the Broadway Bar. Hey, I’m not against this bar outside of the typical dealings with hipsters and stupid people with cell phones that pretend to want to know you but then you realize they’re just practicing probably for some kind of casting call or they have to appear personable because it’s part of the role that they then feel the need to tell you all about as if I give a shit. I thought I was here to see literary landmarks and bars Buk used to drink at. If Buk was here right now, he’d tell you to take your screen play and shove it directly up your ass. He would mean it too. I slammed three vodka and 7’s (I had to bring Buk through somehow) and got back on the bus. I’ve been to the Broadway Bar. I didn’t give a shit.

Well, we’re riding through Echo Park, Silver Lake, Jackass is talking on the mic saying something about how urban he is and doing the “yea yea” but you know, how ice cube would if he was a punk ass white kid with nothing better to do.

Hey, I’ve seen this bar a million times and never had the desire to go in…..and I still don’t. The Frolic Room? What the fuck. Well, this bar is small and there’s 120 people on this bus. I go outside, break away from the group, walked behind the Pantages Theater and whipped out the pipe to smoke some hash. While smoking hash, I noticed some interesting paintings on the back of the Pantagus. “The Floradora Girl” with the list of the cast. That was the first thing shown at the Pantages. Uh, the hash and the paintings were more interesting then listening to Assface read another bullshit poetry slam about him and some buildings and how hard is it to get by on the streets these days. Fuck this kid. This kid shit in golden diapers man. But his urban backup was there to quell and suspicions as to how hard this honky may be.

Finally, after passing the Pioneer on Sunset, another known Bukowski hang out when he used to fuck around on western and hollywood, you know, before the starbucks moved in, I guess that was a rough spot and I supposed his 5124 De Longpre and Normandie address, one block from Sunset almost is probably also close to the Pioneer. Well, I mean I don’t know why that would be worthy of the tour. He only wrote his first novel Post Office there but fuck it, we have to go to fucking TGIF for drink or something like that. I realize I’m not going to learn very much so decide to just go for the ride.

Finally, a bar I actually would have been interested in checking out, Frank and Hank’s on 5th and Western, was even smaller then the previous Frolic Room. I popped inside. Doesn’t make sense to be in a bar like this with 120 people in a space made for maybe 20. Looked like a great place. I’ll have to go back on another night.

On the way back, seriously insanely hot asian chick sitting on this guy’s lap because there wasn’t enough seats, starts talking to me.

“What did you think of the tour?”
“Well, I was kind of hoping for a bit for fact and a lot less showing off.”, I’m drunk, so it was probably a lot more slurred. Did I mention I had my flask. Yeah.
“Really? Well, I’m Shitmouth’s PR person and I would love to know what you think.”
“I think they should call this the Mike the PoeT’s tour and then they’d
get the attendance this tour actually deserves.” <- shit “Oh, well, I’m sorry you didn’t have a good time. Everyone else seems to be having fun. Come to the Broadway Bar afterwards. We really like people.” “I’ll think about it.”

I went to Ceniza and smoked a bad cigar with Victor, went back to his place and crashed on the floor. What’s funny is from my little ditty, it may seem as if I didn’t enjoy myself. That’s actually not true. I had a great time. It’s just that my great time was making fun of all these people rather then being inspired by interesting information about literary landmarks in LA.

I think perhaps because I was by myself and completely focused on actually learning something, I may have ruined it for myself. If I had people with, it probably would have been different. If you still want to go, we should. We’d have fun making fun of people.

The coolest part was the beginning in the Los Angeles Theater. Insane beauty.    Send article as PDF   
  1. One Response to “Tour of my balls”

  2. I love you too bro!!
    Keep up yr positive words about everybody,
    you sound like a really positive person…
    Yr cursing skills are excellent as well,
    you have a real bright future as a writer,
    keep it up.. Its obvious you have a lot of balls! God bless you & yrs!!

    By Mike the PoeT on Aug 14, 2008

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