………..>FUCK WORK<............

November 8, 2006 – 9:30 pm

I’m high as fuck right now.  Using the vaporizer I ordered from New Jersey.  Four time cup winner.

I wonder, is there anyone else in the city, getting high as fuck, doing system administration…then I remember what city I’m in and the answer is obviously of course.  There’s probably at least 100 people doing the same shit right now.

I spoke to my father on the phone today.  He basically told me I should walk away from this job.  I would but I don’t know if my other options are secure.  Regardless, I should probably leave.  It causes me a great deal of stress.  It feels so empty.  I wish I could use my skills for something truly progressive.  Something that actually means something.  I feel like this capitalist pawn.  I don’t have the motivation to take advantage of this capitalist society and I can’t help but to think that everyone is completely wasting their time on something so completely useless to the world.

I’m back to not sleeping again.  I feel really lost at the moment.  Just inbetween emotions.  Nothing special.  Not close to anything.  I don’t love or feel loved.  At night I search for things to think about.  I search for something that will hold my attention, which should be a good book, but usually ends up in me working.  Work is an easy way out.  It’s always a valid excuse.  Hey man, I gotta work.  We all gotta work.  …  it’s bullshit.  I’m afraid.  My job has always been my foundation.  If all else in my life is fucked, at least I have a paycheck.  Problem with me now is that I’ve grown lazy.  I don’t want to just quit, move to where the fuck ever and start all over again.  I half way enjoy my routine now..and there’s still a lot to do.  Man, I just don’t fucking know.  I just wish shit would work itself out but I wish it would just happen now.  It’s the waiting in life that kills a man.  The realization of what you most likely already expected.  Shit shit and more shit.  I wish the shit would just fall all at once.  I’m tired of waiting for something real to happen.

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