The weight

August 7, 2017 – 1:08 am
41. Still fucked up. Still chasing some kind of down and out love story while drifting further from the chances to realize the romanticized interpretation that I've tried so hard to believe in. What version of myself will appear in the decade to come? Every version of myself has failed. No one is impressed by any version of myself. Any version of myself with a chance isn't a version of myself. 41. Still fucked up. I have a psychiatrist. I have a therapist. I have a couples therapist. Surrounded by therapy. 41. Still fucked up. I want to jump over the edge but I'm afraid to take a Tylenol after a beer. I've relied on people to push me over the edge. I can't do it myself. When I am in the middle of my crusade for validation, I often think to ...

Perfect Ambivalence

May 9, 2014 – 9:49 am
For some, love is just a moment and outside of that moment, it ceases to exist. Love can be taken as easy as given and this feels sane to the one in control. For me, if you feel my love, you have been given a piece of my soul and when you pull back, it's going to tear. Love is an inconvenience for some Love is just a word for some Love is distance for some Love is a secret I can do nothing and it will probably go on for a bit longer, but I've always been bad at doing nothing. You are truly amazing. With each amazing love, comes a spectacular pain so great, that sometimes you have to laugh to keep from dying. They say, "Be confident", but confidence is no match for the truth. You will leave and then my "situational depression" will come out of its ...

Sometimes need

January 29, 2014 – 5:52 pm
Sometimes you need to be a little less greedy Sometimes you need to be a little less anxious Sometimes you need to be happy with how things turned out Sometimes you need to shut the fuck up and just breath Sometimes you need to drink Sometimes you need to sing Sometimes you need to do drugs Sometimes you need to sleep Sometimes you need to imagine Sometimes you need to hold on tight Sometimes you need to kiss softly Sometimes you need to shake your head and wonder if it's real Sometimes you need to be quiet Sometimes you need to be alone Sometimes you need to be the music Sometimes you don't need

Mi Vida Fuck

August 19, 2013 – 12:58 am
Thirty-seven years old a few days ago. The family was here to mostly go shopping and pretend that their duties of seeing me were fulfilled. I didn't spend much time with them. I found myself angry that even on my birthday, it seemed to be more about them and less about me. Sure, my mother handed over money like she always does. I do the same thing with the bad women I pathetically spend my time with. The last one was tough. I don't know why. We had little in common. She's a twenty-three year old who's been taught that her tits and her ass is the only thing that keeps them coming through the door. Maybe she's right. It was hard because it was regular. I was doing things. Trying new things and there was sex sex sex. More sex than I ever had in such a short period of ...

Mentally Drunk

July 26, 2013 – 11:32 am
I go to the bar and I see the same people all the time. I think, they don't see me every day, but every time I'm in this bar, I see them. They're dedicated. Each face has its own story. Each face looks at me and laughs. "You'll get here soon. You're just in training. You still have hope. You're still a slave to the fantasy. You'll be here soon." They've let go. They've faced the reality and they give up. I'm still thinking there is something out there for me. I'm still thinking they're someone out there who will really understand me. I'm still thinking there's a beautiful girl with her head straight and with a heart big enough to take my abuse because they know that I don't mean it and they know my anger comes ...


July 24, 2013 – 4:28 pm
If I was given an opportunity to see my life from multiple perspectives, one my current life, second, a life with success, money, happiness, beauty, and finally, a life where I'm a burnt out junkie with scars on my arms and no food in my stomach, but I have a woman that genuinely loves me and stays by my side, I would go with the junky. Easy.

what they don’t know

July 20, 2013 – 6:56 pm
and what they don't know when I scream at the top of my lungs I want to die and that there is no peace in this continuation is that I want this life more than anything and I don't want this hell without silence and what they don't see crying at nothing and the splinters of sanity falling to the floor the floor that you and I once danced on with the motions of endless desire and what they don't hear the soars of trying and failing the words launched like rockets fueled by my past directed by no future and what you don't know the pace of my bloated heart and the distance of my true self crouching toward the light seeming as far as your love for a man like me


July 8, 2013 – 5:46 pm
There is no quality. No one gives a shit about quality. No one gives a shit about authenticity. My girlfriend was annoyed by the fact that I didn't know anything about Twilight. "I know it's a shitty movie with pretty boy and girl actors and it's loosely based on vampires or some shit.". and that's all I need to fucking know about Twilight. "C'mon babe, it pulled in 100 million dollars at the box office the opening weekend. How can it be bad?" and at this moment, I wanted to wrap the seatbelt around my neck and smash in to a wall. For a minute I thought, hey, this is LA, I have half a chance of actually hitting the guy who made that movie if I just crash in to the next crowd of people I see. No one gives a shit about quality any more.

Fishing for…

June 16, 2013 – 12:53 am
I seem an expert at destroying everything sane, everything normal, everything unsettled. I can't stop myself from saying too much or saying too little. I can't get anything right and I have an uncontrollable predication to fuck up all that doesn't need to be fucked. I can't stop my brain from going too far, from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, let little things be. I will keep pushing until it is destroyed and then I will lapse in to my comfortable hole of self loathing and blame and disgust for the human race because it's them against me and me against myself and no one wins and it's not about winning it really is about the really is about fucking things up beyond all repair. It really is about dying alone and it really is about regret. let go' 'letgo ;let it go"

Eileen for President

May 23, 2013 – 3:58 pm
When I think of you, there is no distance Time has lost its battle Everything is here and now and there's no place I'd rather be   I used to dream of more fortunate days where everything works and nothing hurts but that was just fantasy driven by the instinct to continue on this path I have paved, however mixed up and alone   and here you are, open and honest, eager and triumphant intellectual and young, full of ideas and promise and you will never back down to fear and you will never let someone tell you who you are and with that unwavering tenacity comes the essence of your beauty...and that beauty is what motions the disingenuous looking for just a simplified chance at understanding something like YOU   It isn't enough to tell you I love you.  You've heard that before by copious men with something to prove.  It isn't enough to know your favorite color or your favorite band or favorite Japanese baked good, which a week later, still ...